As you can see, Im really keeping up with this BLOGGING business eh?
I had almost forgotten it was here.
I often wonder what the purpose of all this really IS.
I mean..why do we sit around writing to ourselves anyway? Noone is watching or reading what we have to say. Well okay, maybe a FEW people look at it. But only because you tell them to, ask them to, BEG them to. "read my blog.. please read my blog!!!... oh check out my blog!" Its all a bit self-congratulatory, dont you think? Why do we all suddenly think that we are brilliant authors today? Just because we have computers? Think about it. If you own an easel; you are not a brilliant artist. Got a balance beam? HEY; YOU'RE A GYMNAST!!! That seems to be the way of thinking. Do you know how many blogs I have read that were just a whole lot of boring, not-well put together words, coming out of the mouth of a not-so intelligent person? Quite a few. Chances are, if youre not all that intriguing in person; your stupid blog won't be any different. But that's okay. That is what the internet is for. So the average dumbass can think of him or herself as Shakespeare. Just for a few minutes.

A FUNNY JOKE

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death Experience Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

May 20th. My brother got married. (see his fine photo below my own fine photo.) What an amazing wedding. And even more important, he looks so happy. Its strange how people evolve. I still remember playing "cars" with my brother in our bedrooms when we were 5. What is "cars," you ask? Well it basically consists of me, my brother David, and a whole bunch of matchbox cars on the floor. What happens next is we take said matchbox cars and roll them back and forth as if they are moving, all the while making such noises like "Brooommmm, brrrooommmmm, " signifying a cars engine of course. Then we say things like,"I'm coming over!", announcing our visiting arrival to the other persons home I suppose. This is followed by taking the matchbox car with your hand, and moving it slightly forward, as if driving over to the persons house. And thats pretty much it. Thats "cars." The thing is, this would satisfy us for HOURS. Literally. Another thing we used to do as young kids was play parts on TV shows. This is something I, as the older sister, sort of forced upon my brother, because at the time he wasnt as strong as me and I could beat him up. (much like Lucy and Linus. And he had a "blanket" too, except it was called "Big Baby" and it was basically a throw pillow wrapped in a sheet with a painted on horrifying face.) This is a bit embarrassing, but hey, where else to completely humiliate yourself but inside a BLOG that maybe 6 people will read, right? So ... playing parts on TV. Now remember, we were no older than 3 or so at the time. We would watch Sesame Street. There was one "skit" they used to do where they would sing this song and count up in it,"1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12...doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo..." then theyd pick one number and focus on it, like "ELEVEN!!" So while they are singing "eleven, eleven eleven", there is, on the screen, a big ball that would roll along; down hills, through tunnels, etc. Well at the end the ball would roll over a slide type of thing. So I would say to my brother "I'm the Ball! You have to be the slide!" Then he would lie face down on the floor and I would precede to roll over him. Good times. Later, when we got older, we replaced Sesame Street with "Laverne and Shirley," where at the beginning of each show, I would yell, "I'M LAVERNE! YOU HAVE TO BE SHIRLEY! YOU HAVE TO!" as if A. being Laverne was some sort of privalege, and B. being Shirley was understood as punishment; because Shirley was uncool and lame. Then we would watch the show with the knowledge of our assigned characters, and somehow it all made sense. Then, even later, Laverne and Shirley were again replaced with "The Odd Couple." For some unexplained reason, whenever this show came on, my brother and I got into the habit of running wildly into the living room where my parents were watching, and "performing" the instrumental theme song for them. My brother would pretend to play one instrument, and I the other. We had no clue, of course, what instruments were actually in the song, so he would mock-play a synthesizer/piano of sorts, while I was the master on sax. I still dont know why the hell we did this, but it amused my parents nightly. They always would laugh at us being "silly," and we got some bizarre satisafaction out of it too.

And so now, that same person is married; with a wife and a new home. Very odd. I am happy and proud of him though. Its a great thing. And it makes me think about my own upcoming wedding; how it flies by so fast. How in just 5 months, everything and nothing will be entirely different.

From US Weekly:

Kevin Steals an 80's Hit:

Oops! Kevin Federline neglected to ask permission when he sampled the 1983 hit "She Blinded me With Science," for "Americas Most Hated," a new track that was posted on his MySpace page. And the tune's creator, Thomas Dolby, is not a turning a blind eye. "You cant vandalize someones song," Dolby, 47, tells US of the sample. He is looking into legal action against Federline, 28. "I didnt like the track," Dolby says. "Purely on the merits of this song, I couldnt just roll over. His track is just awful." Federline's rep had no comment.

OK first of all GO THOMAS DOLBY! I love the fact that he is this one-hit wonder loser from two and a half decades ago, but he has all this ego about his bizarre Science song. Its hilaroius to me, like hes Paul McCartney or something. But I also love that he is suing Federline, who is basically a waste of human space. Could this guy be any more of a loser, seriously? They are saying his white trash trailor park whore wife Britney is pregnant again so how many kids is that for this moron, 4? Two that he left behind for Britney..and fast forward five years to when he leaves Preston and whatever other dumb Hollywood name they give for the second mistake, and he runs off with some other up-and -coming annoying "pop star", so then he would have left all of his kids, which you know will happen. This guy simmulaneously pisses me off and makes me laugh hysterically at what a total complete ass he is. Every picture of him is the same.. backwards or sideways loser baseball hat, unshaved and unclean looking scruffy 'I dont care" face, awful pants hanging down to his knees to portray that "hey, Im a rapper!', and sneakers that are sometimes untied! TIE YOUR SHOES ASSHOLE! Are you that lazy? And he calls himself K-Fed and DADDY on his retarded album, in the lyrics of some horrific song of his. He says "my name is K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy." Uh.... no. I cant. And I wont. Noone will. Not even your own kids Jackass, because youll be out knocking up some third chick while your wife drives the car using your son as a steering wheel. But youre too clueless to notice. And lets not even talk about his music.... not only is this guy just a terrible human being, but AT LEAST with some artists who are known to be asses in real life like maybe Woody Allen etc... at least you can say that he has immense talent and can appreicate their work. This person... this K-Fed... is literally just a pointless guy. Completely and utterly pointless. He goes around pretending to have a career in music, when noone has shown any interest in any of his stuff. Its clear that noone wants anything to do with him. He has to post his music on his MySpace page because thats the only place that he can get people to hear it. And the hilarious part of that is that 90% of the FRIENDS he has on his page are people like myself who got wind that it was really his page and are simply there to mock him. Look at his comments section. Its says things like "you suck!" and "get a job idiot!" Its great. The other 10% of his friends on myspace are probably under the age of 12 and dont know any better than to like this piece of crap. Anyway, my point here is that Federline is useless and I hate him. In future blogs, I will post some of his brilliant lyrics so that you can enjoy in the madness.......

Can you imagine a typical conversation between K-Fed and wife Britney???

Britney: So what are ya'all doin today, ya'all?
K-fed: I dunno. Nothin.
Britney: Thats cool y'all. I guess Ill shop. I need some Starbucks. You want some?
K-fed: Whatever.
Britney: K. so oh my god we have to go see Pres pres.... lets go down to the nannies house and see him today y'all. its so much fun having a little bundle of joy right?
K-Fed: Huh?
Britney: No Im just sayin its sooo cool havin Preston around.
K-fed: Who? Wha happened?
Britney: Our son silly. oh my god youre sooo funny! Its suuuuch a gift to have him. Maybe ill take him to Starbucks with me. Oh my god I sooo need a Mocachino right now...
K-Fed: Yeah. You puttin on some weight?
Britney: Baby, I told youuuu we are having another baaaby!! Oh my gawd I cant believe you forgot !! you are Soooo funny! Maybe if its a girl we can name it after Brit-Brit...
K-Fed: Whatever. Im outta here dude.
Britney: Where y'all goin honey?
K-fed: I dunno. Nowhere. Whatever. (falls asleep.)

Stay tuned for more riveting K-fed news........
K-fed: Cool.

Friends are like Crack, in that you need to have it.
Not that I have ever been on crack, but if I had, I would imagine that I would need it. Because then I would be a crackhead. But since Im not a crackhead, I need friends. And so do you. Friends will disagree with you on what films are great and which ones are crap, they will get food out of your refrigerator without asking, and they will fall asleep on your couch because they are too tired to hang out late at night. Thats the way it should be. Friends are like family, and if youre lucky, some friends ARE your family. So heres a too small, grainy, blurry picture of just some of my friends. And as Dionne Worwick says in that god-awful song, "keep smilin. keep shinin. knowin you can always count on me for sure. thats what friends are for..."
(insert harmonica sound)
Please pass the crack.

I want to be different. When I see people making a house of cards, I picture making a house of popsicles. Just piling one on top of the other, waiting to see how long they take to melt. Would it turn into one giant syrupy mess all at once, or would it take lots of time and cause the house to fall upon itself? These things interest me. Why? Because Im mildly retarded. Please enjoy this photo of me and my fiance at a fancy-pants wedding dinner.

Have you ever had one of those days or moments where you just for whatever reason looked at someone and really SAW them for who they are and loved them so deeply in those few minutes? Yesterday was one of those moments for me.

My brother and his fiance (soon to be wife in one month) just bought their first house. My brother is 31, I am 34. Its so strange for me to see him getting married, buying a house, being an adult. He was always such a rebel in high school; got arrested all the time, hung out with a bunch of punks, dated lots of girls. Now he is this family man who listens to country western music and knows more about how to deal with mortgage brokers and real-estate agents than I do. Im really proud of him, but he is always my little brother. Its weird that he is getting married before me, buying a house before me, and most likely having kids before me. But its amazing.

Im getting married in October. And I have to say its the one area of my life that Im NOT confused about right now. I have zero doubts about spending my life with Don. Im still amazed sometimes that I found him, how I found him. But for some reason, when we got the news yesterday that my brother had bought a house, and my whole family was together for Easter Sunday except me; I had an overwhelming feeling of both happiness for him, and sadness for myself. Not pity, but more like confusion and emptiness. I started to ask myself what it is that I want in life, and is there a way to have it all? Since I was 18 years old and moved from Mass. to NY to pursue college and a career in acting/comedy, I have spent a huge part of my life and my time doing just that; pursuing. Struggling. Making tiny steps forward that no person except me would notice. Explaining and justifying my decisions to people who dont understand, people who say "so when am I gonna see you on SNL? Have you "made it" yet?" They dont understand what is behind it, how hard it is; that I, too, have to pay rent and buy milk and work 2 jobs just to get by. And that by the end of the day, Im sometimes too spent to even think in a creative way. I have made strides, met people, made connections here. But I get so frustrated with how very little has happened to progress forward. In comedy, it has very little to do with how funny you are whether or not you succeed. It has more to do with how many asses you can put inside of a comedy club and how many drinks they buy. It has to do with kissing a lot of asses of people who are not nearly as talented as you, and watching those people host shows and tell you that you cant go up tonight because you are one person short of your required minimum. Its humiliating when you fail; but in those tiny moments when you have the audience in the palm of your hand and you get that RUSH, its the most exhilirating thing in the world.

So heres the thing... when youre 23, 25, even 28, you still have time to pursue this goal while making money in other ways, with other fulltime jobs, and worry later about family and marriage and life outside of the stage. In the beginning, when you start out, you have so much drive and determination. You really believe that you will be the one who gets past all the bullshit of the business. But then time happens. Age happens. You get older, and you learn things. Whats happened to me is that with time, my drive has diminished. What was important to me is no longer SO important to me, because Ive seen how tough it is to get there, and how unfair of a road it is. Im not sure that I want to be on this road anymore, but I dont know if I could ever walk away. Ten years ago, I never really thought about the idea of having my own family. Now, everywhere I turn friends and family are having children of their own; and although Im still unsure about how I feel about kids of my own, I do know that seeing them and the bond they share with their families gets me emotional and feeling as if something might be missing. Maybe a piece of what life is all about, maybe a special bond, a family we created, I dont know. Im very torn right now. I simply cannot see HOW we would have children, how would we do it financially? And people say stupid shit like "well if you really want it, youll make it happen." But I think that its selfish to have kids JUST because you WANT them. You have to make absolute sure that you are able to care for them completely, that you have enough money, that you are willing to pretty much change and give up everything that you thought your life was, for this new life with new rules. Im not sure we are ready for that, but at the same time, I think I would regret it later on if I was childless and STILL struggling in this career, still making no money doing what I love. But can I walk away? And when do you walk away? Do I HAVE to? It seems like everyone who has kids just knows that they want them, but I never hear about anyone who is torn and confused about the issue like I am. I never hear anyone say "hmm Im really not sure." Its like youre just supposed to know. But I dont know. Having a longing for something is not the same as being able to accomplish it. Part of me feels like Im running out of time, like Im some sort of bomb with only seconds left to decide all these major things about my life, and then its too late. And thats where my age comes in. Im 34. He is 42. We dont have the luxury of time to waste or think too much about what we do and do not want. We have a little bit of time, but not a lot. And thats why yesterday was so powerful of a conversation. I was overwhelmed with confusion and emotion, not sure where to go next. And Don listened and told me that he would never close the door to any of the possibilities we could choose together. He also told me that he feels deep inside himself that me "making it" is just around the corner, and that its in the cards for me, that I have immense talent and it just needs to be utliized. I asked him how long should I continue to pursue this ..his response was "until you dont want to anymore. " That makes sense to me. My priorities are changing, but I still do want this. I moved to NY all those years ago for a reason, and Im not ready to give up. And if I do ever let it go, I dont want it to be because I was beaten by the system. I want to know that I really gave it my best shot and I made a mark out here. I just want a chance. I dont want to be the pawn in this game of politics anymore. I need more control.

So I am at a crossroads right now, not sure how to go forward, but working it out with my fiance. We are unsure but content. Family seems to be more important to me as I get older, I do know that. The whole reason I moved here to begin with was to pursue performing, so if I were to give that up, would we relocate or stay here? Would I buy a house in Massachusetts and be close to my parents and brother and cousins and everyone else? Part of me loves the idea, and the other part knows that I probably wouldnt be happy there if I had no other outlet of creativity. We have built our lives here. Should we continue just to say that we could, that we did? The expenses here are insane, ridiculous, I dont see how its possible to buy a home, start a family. I just dont get how people do it. We make litlte money, enough to live on. Just us. How do you prepare for suddenly having this third person to feed, to support, and all that comes with that? The idea of it is both frightening and compelling.

Through all of this confusion, I feel so good about the fact that I am calm and ecstatic about getting married. I really love Don more than words can express. And having a family with him is a bond that I can only imagine would be incredible. Someday. Maybe. If we can figure it out. But it would change everything and turn our world upside down and around. That is a scary thought.
I guess the answers have yet to be discovered, but Im grateful we can stumble upon them together, with him. The one thing Im not confused about.

THE UNIVERSE HAS TILTED!!!!! IT HAS ALL COME CRASHING DOWN!!!

As reported by NBC and 87 other networks yesterday, Katie Curic has decided to leave the TODAY SHOW and become the first-female solo newscaster for the CBS evening news. A giant, horrific scream of panic was heard round the globe last night as people; not knowing what to do with themselves, simultaneously threw themselves into rivers, lakes, and oceans all over the country. Fires were set ablaze all along NYC; especially in BedStuy Brooklyn, because there ALWAYS seems to be some sort of shananagans going on over there anyway. In other areas, people turned over cars and robbed local merchants, chanting "we love you Katie!" The people of NYC, after dealing with 9-11, were said to be "emotionally drained" after this latest news of catastrophe. Other pointless newscasters all over television proclaimed that "New York is a strong city, and we will get past this. " Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference yesterday stating that "while we have suffered many great tragedies in this amazing city, this is by far the toughest. We will certainly miss Katie's smiling face every morning on the TODAY show as she brightened our day with such consistancy. She is a courageous woman and a fine example to others out there who are considering taking a risk. I have nothing but the best wishes for her as she embarks on this new project, and I will be watching the CBS nightly news from my ridiculously enormous mansion. Thank you. No questions." The mayor then made himself a bologna and cheese sandwich and a glass of milk, and proceeded to kill himself with a small kitchen knife. Local EMTS report at least 37 other suicides related to Curic's decision. In each, notes were left paying homage to Curic, and wishing her well on her journey.

As we can tell from yesterday, this news is already starting to have devestating effects. While co-anchor for the TODAY show Matt Leaur seemed to be trying to hide his glee at finally getting some recognition after Curic's departure, a producer was overheard backstage telling him "No Matt. You are nothing. You will always be nothing. Why do you think we send you far far away every year for that silly 'Where in the world is Matt Leaur' game? Do you think we care where you are? No. We are hoping you dont return. But you do Matt. You always do. " Leaur then grabbed his teddy bear, Sushi, and cried in his dressing room for 5 hours straight.

Later it was announced that Curic would be replaced with THE VIEW's Meredith Viera. This, of course, sent the country into a second tailspin, when they realized that not one but two of their favorite morning shows would be broken up and never the same again. Riots broke out in Arkansas, Nebraska, Texas, and Georgia. People went on strike holding up signs "WE LOVE YOU MEREDITH. PLEASE DONT LEAVE!" In Idaho, a man fondled and then shot his 5 sheep. When questioned about the incident, he said "Meredith who? Do what now? I just like molestin my sheep." Neighbors said about the man, "he was always a very nice gentleman. Very quiet."

The main question on peoples minds is what will we do now? A nation that has dealt with so much in the past few years simply cannot handle this kind of chaos in its system. What will happen to the chemistry that was so natural on The TODAY show? And what of THE VIEW? Who will take over Merediths position there? If the name "Kathie Lee Gifford" is even uttered, then I too will kill myself. How are we, as a people, supposed to deal with such a travesty? I guess the answer to that question lies in the possibilities.... of tomorrow.

For Fake-News 5, this has been Ima Loser reporting. Goodnight.

This is our pointless cat, Isabelle.
Her life consists of sleeping, crunching on catfood, and pooping. She also enjoys being pet constantly. And thats pretty much it for her. No worries. You will also notice that she is quite large. A giant cat Id say. But this doesnt bother her. She is unconcerned about aging, or losing weight, or fitting in.

Which brings me to my point: What the HELL is happening to some of these celebrities and their plastic surgery??? Its getting downright scary. Noone looks anything like themself anymore. They dont even resemble themself! I was watching American Idol tonight.. what the HELL happened to Kenny Rogers??? Thats not his face. Thats not even CLOSE to what his face used to look like. Why is he randomly Asian? He looks like the old guy from the Karate Kid movies. He has small beaty eyes and his face looks like its covered in wax paper. WHY would one do this to themself? Im not understanding this. You dont look better. You dont look younger. YOU JUST LOOK WEIRD. You look like someone rearranged your face. You have no expression anymore and you are no longer you. I am continuously shocked at just how awful the result is with these people, and still they continue to do it. WHY. Meg Ryan is another example. Beautiful woman. Or at least she used to be. Until her face morphed into Calista Flockhart. She looks like she was attacked by a swarm of bees to the lips. Demi Moore. If one more person says how good she looks Im going to scream. She looks terrible!!! Look at ANY picture of her from more than 8 years ago and youll see her eyes are no longer her eyes. Again, no expression on that woman. Her face is now permanantly rigid and mean looking. Thats attractive? The absolute WORST one so far has to be Priscilla Presley. She is now the Joker. I think when you go in for facelifts, botox, and all this other crap, they should just give you a standard "face." Everyone gets the same one. There would be a face for women and a face for men. You want plastic surgery of the face, this is what you will now look like. A young, tight, expressionless Jokerface with thin creepy penciled -in eyebrows. Is aging naturally really THIS awful that people must go to these extremes? Please stop. Im begging you. Trust me. You do not look better nor do you look younger. You only look CREEPY. Enough already.
Be like the cat and just simply live.

Having a Fiance has been very strange and amazing. Sort of like having a husband, but not quite yet. To know we will forever be linked together and not be afraid of that at all is a pretty calm yet exciting feeling. We laugh at stupid things together, and we deal with real things as a team. When life sucks, you have another person to share the burden. I love knowing that my life has been turned upside down. I love having inside jokes with each other. And I love knowing he is always on my side, even when we dont agree. Your life never ends up how you picture it, so its best not to. I would have never pegged myself for living in NJ with a Giant cat and an EMT from florida, but I wouldnt change a thing. We are getting married in October, and everyday I get more and more excited about the future. Whatever happens in my life from now on, I know I have chosen the right person to help me deal with it. Yes, this is pretty cheesy, but Im feeling very thankful.

What is Blog?

For what is Blog ... I ask you ... my friend
I have asked this of many
Yet noone ever responds
Ever
I seriously dont know what the hell a Blog is
Yet, like a sheep, I blog
I am now writing one. Apparently.
But what the hell is it?
Who am I writing to? The thin air? Myself? Groupies?
Is this one of those online cults thats supposed to make me feel important and special because people might read my thoughts?
I find the whole thing quite pompous.

When I was little I had a Diary. That was blog. but the last thing I ever would want back then is for someone to read my private thoughts. Yet this is the entire purpose of Blog.
Every thought, no matter how uninteresting. Public.
We are a people with loved ones, families.
We sit home
Nearby is a parent or a husband. A roommate or perhaps a child
We could talk to them. Share.
Yet we blog.
Here sit I ....
Blogging.
I Blog. I have Blogged. Blog.