Have you ever had one of those days or moments where you just for whatever reason looked at someone and really SAW them for who they are and loved them so deeply in those few minutes? Yesterday was one of those moments for me.

My brother and his fiance (soon to be wife in one month) just bought their first house. My brother is 31, I am 34. Its so strange for me to see him getting married, buying a house, being an adult. He was always such a rebel in high school; got arrested all the time, hung out with a bunch of punks, dated lots of girls. Now he is this family man who listens to country western music and knows more about how to deal with mortgage brokers and real-estate agents than I do. Im really proud of him, but he is always my little brother. Its weird that he is getting married before me, buying a house before me, and most likely having kids before me. But its amazing.

Im getting married in October. And I have to say its the one area of my life that Im NOT confused about right now. I have zero doubts about spending my life with Don. Im still amazed sometimes that I found him, how I found him. But for some reason, when we got the news yesterday that my brother had bought a house, and my whole family was together for Easter Sunday except me; I had an overwhelming feeling of both happiness for him, and sadness for myself. Not pity, but more like confusion and emptiness. I started to ask myself what it is that I want in life, and is there a way to have it all? Since I was 18 years old and moved from Mass. to NY to pursue college and a career in acting/comedy, I have spent a huge part of my life and my time doing just that; pursuing. Struggling. Making tiny steps forward that no person except me would notice. Explaining and justifying my decisions to people who dont understand, people who say "so when am I gonna see you on SNL? Have you "made it" yet?" They dont understand what is behind it, how hard it is; that I, too, have to pay rent and buy milk and work 2 jobs just to get by. And that by the end of the day, Im sometimes too spent to even think in a creative way. I have made strides, met people, made connections here. But I get so frustrated with how very little has happened to progress forward. In comedy, it has very little to do with how funny you are whether or not you succeed. It has more to do with how many asses you can put inside of a comedy club and how many drinks they buy. It has to do with kissing a lot of asses of people who are not nearly as talented as you, and watching those people host shows and tell you that you cant go up tonight because you are one person short of your required minimum. Its humiliating when you fail; but in those tiny moments when you have the audience in the palm of your hand and you get that RUSH, its the most exhilirating thing in the world.

So heres the thing... when youre 23, 25, even 28, you still have time to pursue this goal while making money in other ways, with other fulltime jobs, and worry later about family and marriage and life outside of the stage. In the beginning, when you start out, you have so much drive and determination. You really believe that you will be the one who gets past all the bullshit of the business. But then time happens. Age happens. You get older, and you learn things. Whats happened to me is that with time, my drive has diminished. What was important to me is no longer SO important to me, because Ive seen how tough it is to get there, and how unfair of a road it is. Im not sure that I want to be on this road anymore, but I dont know if I could ever walk away. Ten years ago, I never really thought about the idea of having my own family. Now, everywhere I turn friends and family are having children of their own; and although Im still unsure about how I feel about kids of my own, I do know that seeing them and the bond they share with their families gets me emotional and feeling as if something might be missing. Maybe a piece of what life is all about, maybe a special bond, a family we created, I dont know. Im very torn right now. I simply cannot see HOW we would have children, how would we do it financially? And people say stupid shit like "well if you really want it, youll make it happen." But I think that its selfish to have kids JUST because you WANT them. You have to make absolute sure that you are able to care for them completely, that you have enough money, that you are willing to pretty much change and give up everything that you thought your life was, for this new life with new rules. Im not sure we are ready for that, but at the same time, I think I would regret it later on if I was childless and STILL struggling in this career, still making no money doing what I love. But can I walk away? And when do you walk away? Do I HAVE to? It seems like everyone who has kids just knows that they want them, but I never hear about anyone who is torn and confused about the issue like I am. I never hear anyone say "hmm Im really not sure." Its like youre just supposed to know. But I dont know. Having a longing for something is not the same as being able to accomplish it. Part of me feels like Im running out of time, like Im some sort of bomb with only seconds left to decide all these major things about my life, and then its too late. And thats where my age comes in. Im 34. He is 42. We dont have the luxury of time to waste or think too much about what we do and do not want. We have a little bit of time, but not a lot. And thats why yesterday was so powerful of a conversation. I was overwhelmed with confusion and emotion, not sure where to go next. And Don listened and told me that he would never close the door to any of the possibilities we could choose together. He also told me that he feels deep inside himself that me "making it" is just around the corner, and that its in the cards for me, that I have immense talent and it just needs to be utliized. I asked him how long should I continue to pursue this ..his response was "until you dont want to anymore. " That makes sense to me. My priorities are changing, but I still do want this. I moved to NY all those years ago for a reason, and Im not ready to give up. And if I do ever let it go, I dont want it to be because I was beaten by the system. I want to know that I really gave it my best shot and I made a mark out here. I just want a chance. I dont want to be the pawn in this game of politics anymore. I need more control.

So I am at a crossroads right now, not sure how to go forward, but working it out with my fiance. We are unsure but content. Family seems to be more important to me as I get older, I do know that. The whole reason I moved here to begin with was to pursue performing, so if I were to give that up, would we relocate or stay here? Would I buy a house in Massachusetts and be close to my parents and brother and cousins and everyone else? Part of me loves the idea, and the other part knows that I probably wouldnt be happy there if I had no other outlet of creativity. We have built our lives here. Should we continue just to say that we could, that we did? The expenses here are insane, ridiculous, I dont see how its possible to buy a home, start a family. I just dont get how people do it. We make litlte money, enough to live on. Just us. How do you prepare for suddenly having this third person to feed, to support, and all that comes with that? The idea of it is both frightening and compelling.

Through all of this confusion, I feel so good about the fact that I am calm and ecstatic about getting married. I really love Don more than words can express. And having a family with him is a bond that I can only imagine would be incredible. Someday. Maybe. If we can figure it out. But it would change everything and turn our world upside down and around. That is a scary thought.
I guess the answers have yet to be discovered, but Im grateful we can stumble upon them together, with him. The one thing Im not confused about.