THE UNIVERSE HAS TILTED!!!!! IT HAS ALL COME CRASHING DOWN!!!
As reported by NBC and 87 other networks yesterday, Katie Curic has decided to leave the TODAY SHOW and become the first-female solo newscaster for the CBS evening news. A giant, horrific scream of panic was heard round the globe last night as people; not knowing what to do with themselves, simultaneously threw themselves into rivers, lakes, and oceans all over the country. Fires were set ablaze all along NYC; especially in BedStuy Brooklyn, because there ALWAYS seems to be some sort of shananagans going on over there anyway. In other areas, people turned over cars and robbed local merchants, chanting "we love you Katie!" The people of NYC, after dealing with 9-11, were said to be "emotionally drained" after this latest news of catastrophe. Other pointless newscasters all over television proclaimed that "New York is a strong city, and we will get past this. " Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference yesterday stating that "while we have suffered many great tragedies in this amazing city, this is by far the toughest. We will certainly miss Katie's smiling face every morning on the TODAY show as she brightened our day with such consistancy. She is a courageous woman and a fine example to others out there who are considering taking a risk. I have nothing but the best wishes for her as she embarks on this new project, and I will be watching the CBS nightly news from my ridiculously enormous mansion. Thank you. No questions." The mayor then made himself a bologna and cheese sandwich and a glass of milk, and proceeded to kill himself with a small kitchen knife. Local EMTS report at least 37 other suicides related to Curic's decision. In each, notes were left paying homage to Curic, and wishing her well on her journey.
As we can tell from yesterday, this news is already starting to have devestating effects. While co-anchor for the TODAY show Matt Leaur seemed to be trying to hide his glee at finally getting some recognition after Curic's departure, a producer was overheard backstage telling him "No Matt. You are nothing. You will always be nothing. Why do you think we send you far far away every year for that silly 'Where in the world is Matt Leaur' game? Do you think we care where you are? No. We are hoping you dont return. But you do Matt. You always do. " Leaur then grabbed his teddy bear, Sushi, and cried in his dressing room for 5 hours straight.
Later it was announced that Curic would be replaced with THE VIEW's Meredith Viera. This, of course, sent the country into a second tailspin, when they realized that not one but two of their favorite morning shows would be broken up and never the same again. Riots broke out in Arkansas, Nebraska, Texas, and Georgia. People went on strike holding up signs "WE LOVE YOU MEREDITH. PLEASE DONT LEAVE!" In Idaho, a man fondled and then shot his 5 sheep. When questioned about the incident, he said "Meredith who? Do what now? I just like molestin my sheep." Neighbors said about the man, "he was always a very nice gentleman. Very quiet."
The main question on peoples minds is what will we do now? A nation that has dealt with so much in the past few years simply cannot handle this kind of chaos in its system. What will happen to the chemistry that was so natural on The TODAY show? And what of THE VIEW? Who will take over Merediths position there? If the name "Kathie Lee Gifford" is even uttered, then I too will kill myself. How are we, as a people, supposed to deal with such a travesty? I guess the answer to that question lies in the possibilities.... of tomorrow.
For Fake-News 5, this has been Ima Loser reporting. Goodnight.
As reported by NBC and 87 other networks yesterday, Katie Curic has decided to leave the TODAY SHOW and become the first-female solo newscaster for the CBS evening news. A giant, horrific scream of panic was heard round the globe last night as people; not knowing what to do with themselves, simultaneously threw themselves into rivers, lakes, and oceans all over the country. Fires were set ablaze all along NYC; especially in BedStuy Brooklyn, because there ALWAYS seems to be some sort of shananagans going on over there anyway. In other areas, people turned over cars and robbed local merchants, chanting "we love you Katie!" The people of NYC, after dealing with 9-11, were said to be "emotionally drained" after this latest news of catastrophe. Other pointless newscasters all over television proclaimed that "New York is a strong city, and we will get past this. " Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference yesterday stating that "while we have suffered many great tragedies in this amazing city, this is by far the toughest. We will certainly miss Katie's smiling face every morning on the TODAY show as she brightened our day with such consistancy. She is a courageous woman and a fine example to others out there who are considering taking a risk. I have nothing but the best wishes for her as she embarks on this new project, and I will be watching the CBS nightly news from my ridiculously enormous mansion. Thank you. No questions." The mayor then made himself a bologna and cheese sandwich and a glass of milk, and proceeded to kill himself with a small kitchen knife. Local EMTS report at least 37 other suicides related to Curic's decision. In each, notes were left paying homage to Curic, and wishing her well on her journey.
As we can tell from yesterday, this news is already starting to have devestating effects. While co-anchor for the TODAY show Matt Leaur seemed to be trying to hide his glee at finally getting some recognition after Curic's departure, a producer was overheard backstage telling him "No Matt. You are nothing. You will always be nothing. Why do you think we send you far far away every year for that silly 'Where in the world is Matt Leaur' game? Do you think we care where you are? No. We are hoping you dont return. But you do Matt. You always do. " Leaur then grabbed his teddy bear, Sushi, and cried in his dressing room for 5 hours straight.
Later it was announced that Curic would be replaced with THE VIEW's Meredith Viera. This, of course, sent the country into a second tailspin, when they realized that not one but two of their favorite morning shows would be broken up and never the same again. Riots broke out in Arkansas, Nebraska, Texas, and Georgia. People went on strike holding up signs "WE LOVE YOU MEREDITH. PLEASE DONT LEAVE!" In Idaho, a man fondled and then shot his 5 sheep. When questioned about the incident, he said "Meredith who? Do what now? I just like molestin my sheep." Neighbors said about the man, "he was always a very nice gentleman. Very quiet."
The main question on peoples minds is what will we do now? A nation that has dealt with so much in the past few years simply cannot handle this kind of chaos in its system. What will happen to the chemistry that was so natural on The TODAY show? And what of THE VIEW? Who will take over Merediths position there? If the name "Kathie Lee Gifford" is even uttered, then I too will kill myself. How are we, as a people, supposed to deal with such a travesty? I guess the answer to that question lies in the possibilities.... of tomorrow.
For Fake-News 5, this has been Ima Loser reporting. Goodnight.
posted by Kelley Lynn at
4:24 AM
2 Comments:
I WNT TO BE MATT LAUERS TEDDY BEAR.
In this difficult time, I wish you wouldnt make fun of me, Kelley. This IS a hard pill to swallow. I'm having a hard time swallowing.
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